


Rusted

by Exterminatorviolence



Category: National Football League RPF
Genre: AU no football, Angst, M/M, Post Break Up, Reunions, Unhappy Ending, danny centric, post by like four years
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-11
Updated: 2016-08-11
Packaged: 2018-08-08 00:48:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7736605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Exterminatorviolence/pseuds/Exterminatorviolence
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Danny remembers once he heard or read that the saddest phrase is almost, not used to be, and sure, he definitely understands why, but, but maybe sometimes the saddest phrase is bad timing.</p><p>He thinks him and Julian could’ve worked out in some other universe, in some other timeline. And maybe that’s why he’s so infatuated with Bryce DeWitt and the Many Worlds Theory, because if there's a possibility of there being an infinite amount of universes, well then maybe there’s a universe where their timing is perfect.</p><p>But that’s not this universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rusted

**Author's Note:**

> I...I have no excuse for this other than being sad about my ex. What I imagine about sometimes, thinking if I ever ran into my ex again, what might happen. This wouldn't happen, but I like to imagine that maybe it might. This was mostly a cathartic thing, something for me to write to try and get him out of my system for a little while.
> 
> This is unedited and un betad because I couldn't bring myself to read through it again. So yell at me about mistakes.

It didn’t feel like four years to Danny, it felt like forever. Forever since he saw Julian Edelman in the flesh and god, if he didn’t look just as good as he did four years ago. 

He realizes he probably looks a little stupid, looking through the front window of a gas station at the man he once - still - loved. But there he was, standing with his car keys in one hand, frozen with his jaw clenched because this couldn’t really be happening. He couldn’t really be seeing the love of his life at one in the morning working at the gas station in the middle of nowhere.

He could leave. Just back up to his car and drive away and hope that he stumbles across another gas station before his car stops. But. But he looks back at the car where Sam Bradford is conked out in the passenger seat because he’s the only person in the world who would indulge Danny in his idea to go on a road trip to wherever because  _ he’s suffocating and can’t breathe. _

And then there’s Julian. Slumped over the counter looking half dead, though Danny knows for a fact that he’s probably fully awake, knows that because he remembers Julian calling him up at two in the morning just to talk. Even when they stopped dating, he still called.

 

_ “Were you sleeping? Did I wake you up?” _

_ “No, no - well, yeah, but don’t feel bad. I love talking to you. Why’re you awake?” _

_ “Couldn’t sleep. Wanted to talk to you, making some toast now, which I always seem to do when I’m on the phone with you,” _

_ “Gee, thanks, compare me to toast, huh?” _

_ “Love you,” _

_ “Fuck off. Hey, so, today me and Sam were talking about weddings because apparently he’s very picky about how his future one will be, but I was wondering...if I ever got married -” _

_ “If you get married to someone who  _ isn’t  _ me?” _

_ “ - um, yeah, if I ever get married to someone not you, would you be one of my groomsman?” _

_ “I guess so. I’d be the one at the open bar,” _

_ “Oh?” _

_ “Well yeah, because what fun would I have at your wedding if you weren’t my groom?” _

_ “We’d need to be dating in order for that future to play out,” _

_ “...yeah. Guess so.” _

 

Danny remembers once he heard or read that the saddest phrase is  _ almost _ , not  _ used to be _ , and sure, he definitely understands why, but, but maybe sometimes the saddest phrase is  _ bad timing _ .

He thinks him and Julian could’ve worked out in some other universe, in some other timeline. And maybe that’s why he’s so infatuated with Bryce DeWitt and the Many Worlds Theory, because if there's a possibility of there being an infinite amount of universes, well then maybe there’s a universe where their timing is perfect.

But that’s not this universe. This universe includes Danny still standing outside of the fucking gas station. Sam would tell him to leave, they could find gas somewhere else, but Danny has made it a habit to do the opposite of what Sam suggests, so that’s why he walks in the gas station with his head bent down.

Julian doesn’t lift his head from the counter and Danny counts to ten before slowly making his way to the only person he’s ever been in love with.

 

Julian only lifts his head when Danny is standing directly in front of him. “How can I he - Danny?”

He smiles, something twisted and different than the smile he used to wear. “Hey, Jules,” He rasps.

“Holy shit,” Julian’s eyes widen and he smiles, just slightly more genuine than Danny’s. “How’ve you been?”

“You know,” He shrugs a shoulder. “Little bit tired, little bit depressed, the usual,”

“Ditto. Same shit, different day,” Julian says with a little laugh at the end.

Danny manages to choke out something that sounds like a laugh as well. “You still haven’t found a way past that yet?” And he’s opening up old wounds, asking the injuries to bleed again because apparently he still wants to hurt.

Julian’s own smile slips off his face. “Not quite.”

It’s quiet then and Danny wants to just ask, ask why they didn’t work out (even though he already knows the answer), ask if Julian misses him at all, ask if he’s happy, ask if maybe they could work together now - there’s so many things Danny wants to ask, but he doesn’t ask anything, just stares at the blue eyes that he still sees when he’s particularly lonely and drunk.

“What’re you doing out here?” Julian asks, hedging away from the opening scabs.

“Road trip with Sam. Needed to get out of the town. Guess I’m looking for something,”

“Oh? Looking for what?” Julian’s brow creases just like it always has when he’s worried and Danny wants to kiss it away.

“Dunno,” Danny lies. “The answer to life maybe,”  _ You  _ he doesn’t say. And that’s the thing, isn’t it? He’s traveled across a handful of states looking for exactly Julian and now that he’s found him, he still feels empty. He doesn’t know what he was expecting, maybe a sense of closure or some kind of Rachel and Ross reunion where they reveal their love for one another and make out as it starts to rain.

Julian laughs and it makes Danny feel like he’s fifteen again. “Well, let me know when you find it, I could use that answer too.”

Danny smiles again, this one just a little more genuine. “Oh, are you still dating...um,” He wracks his brain for a name. “Shannon?”

Julian’s smile turns softer. “Yeah, almost four years now.”

“You really love her, huh.” He says the question more as a statement. He licks his lips and swallows past the lump in his throat, the lump that seems to always be there whenever Julian is involved.

“I think so.” Julian must see something on his face because he asks, “Have you found anyone?”

He shakes his head. “Nah, I’m...I haven’t really been looking.” It’s not totally a lie, he hasn’t really been looking for anyone, but that’s because he already had someone in mind. “So yeah, still a virgin and everything,” He adds on, trying, unsuccessfully, to lighten the mood.

“Oh,” Julian frowns a little. “This isn’t because…” He trails off.

Danny doesn’t answer, just smiles tightly. They both know the answer. 

“Did...did Tom ever tell you what I told him?” He asks.

“That it wasn’t that you didn’t love me anymore, you just found someone you love more?” Danny answers.

Julian winces. “Yeah...that. You know I didn’t mean it like that, right?”

He waves him off. “Yeah, yeah I know what you meant. You’re just...not great with feelings,” The last words leave a bitter taste on his tongue, remembering when they last talked and those words were some of the last.

“You’ll find someone, you know,” Julian tries to reassure him.

“So they say.”

The blonde goes to say something, but the bell above the door rings and then Sam is walking in. “Hey, ‘Dola are you - oh.”

Danny flinches slightly, wrapping his arms around himself, and turns to face Sam. “Hey, sorry, I’ll be out in a sec.”

Sam nods and doesn’t say anything, just glares at Julian and leaves, trusting Danny for once.

“I guess I should…” He trails off, gesturing to the door.

“Yeah, I guess.” Julian agrees.

“Well, it was, uh, it was good to see you again.” He says lamely. He starts to leave, but a hand around his wrist stops him. “What -”

A pair of a lips against his stops him and he freezes before melting against the older man, gripping at his shirt until his knuckles turn white, not wanting to let go. Julian tastes the same as he did all those years ago, like coffee and gold, and Danny wants to drown in the taste just like he did before.

The kiss feels like it lasts for an hour before Julian pulls back, resting their foreheads together.

“What was that?” Danny whispers, voice on the verge of breaking. 

“I don’t know,” Julian whispers back. “I just...didn’t want you walk out again.”

He breathes out a bitter laugh. “What the fuck am I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know,” The blonde says again, hands coming up to cradle Danny’s face. “I just miss you.”

Danny closes his eyes, not able to keep looking into the earnest eyes. “That’s not fair. You’re dating someone else. You’re not in love with me anymore,”

“But you’re still in love with me,”

He scoffs, rolling his eyes, a tear falling in the process. “Of course I am.” He swallows thickly. “You remember how you used to say that I’d always be better off without you? Isn’t it funny how untrue that ended up being? God. I miss you so much, your stupid sense of humor, how you used to put your brother on the phone with me when you had to use the bathroom, how amazing we got along because we were both broken...but you’re not broken anymore. You’ve, you’ve grown up, you’ve done everything I always wanted and knew you could do...it just sucks that I wasn’t around to see it,” He finally looks up at Julian and is surprised to see the blonde’s eyes filled with unshed tears. 

“I’m sorry.” Julian says, wiping his tears away with his thumb.

Danny shakes his head and steps back from the only person he will ever love. “It doesn’t matter anymore. We made our choices.”

“We could just be friends again!” Julian suggests desperately.

“We tried that,” He points out. “I was silently dying. I used to help you with relationship problems...it killed me.”

“But I’ve grown, I wouldn’t do that to you again.”

He shakes his head again, chokes back a sob. “I can’t be around you anymore unless I can have you.” He doesn’t know what he wants Julian to say, maybe that they can be together, maybe that he doesn’t love Shannon as much as he says, but, in the end, he doesn’t say anything and Danny walks out of that gas station, out of Julian’s life for the second time.

He finds Sam filling the car with gas and smiles tiredly at him as he slips into the passenger seat. Sam can drive for a while, Danny feels like he needs to sleep for a fucking decade.

He knows that Julian loved him too once, all those years ago, remembers when the blonde though it’d be a good idea to try some weed and ended up in the hospital because it was laced with coke. Remembers calling three different hospitals before finding the one he was shacked up in, remembers that email he got later telling him how much he was loved.

 

_ For Danny _

_ I was hoping to write this earlier today, but I never got around to it. I just wanted to say that this has been one of the best months of my life thanks to you. Through all the problems and shit I gotta go through on a daily basis, you’re always there and I honestly love you for it. 100% fully, honestly love you. I don’t have wifi right now or you would get a crazy long, overly dramatic message that your mom would find and “awwhh” over. So I’m glad that even when I feel like I have absolutely nowhere to turn, I can always turn to you. I mean, hell, we hadn’t even been dating a year yet and you could hardly speak when I was in the hospital. So at least I know that when I’m fucked up, drugged, and out of it as hell, you’ve got my back no matter what. That’s love. I don’t give a fuck what anyone else says, I don’t care that we’re so far apart age-wise, I just want you to know that I love you, no matter what, forever. _

_ -Julian- _

 

He thinks about that email sometimes, he won’t read it that much anymore because it always leaves him feeling empty and hollow. He’d laugh now at the “age-wise” remark, three years felt like a decade back when he was fifteen.

He’s always knows that he was never Julian’s first for anything, not his first love or his first kiss, but he wanted Julian to be his first  _ everything _ .

**Author's Note:**

> The phone call and the email are real and precious moments to me that I've only ever told my therapist about. This is something I've held close to my chest for a long, long time and I feel a little bit better letting it go.


End file.
